I Feel So
by Strawb-sama
Summary: Ken's up on the balcony, thinking... sometimes, these things need to be done. VERY mild shonen ai, Ken and Omi.


A/N: I never thought I'd see the day when I would be writing a fic to a  
Boxcar Racer song. I hope you enjoy! I always seem to write songfics. The  
majority of my fics are as such, aren't they?  
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss, or else why would I be sitting here with not  
a cent in my name? I also don't own the song "I Feel So". That belongs to  
Boxcar Racer.  
Dedication: This fic goes to my good friend Chris, just for the sole  
purpose that he made me download the song "I Feel So" and I came to like  
it. Thanks, dude!  
I Feel So- A Songfic by Strawb-sama  
I'm sitting on the balcony. And it's raining. it's raining very hard. There  
are sheets of rain in front of me, so seemingly solid that I could walk  
inside, take a knife from the kitchen, come back outside, and cut my way  
through to the chair I'm sitting on right now.  
And I'm getting very wet. Some don't like being wet. Some don't like the  
rain. Many choose to stay inside when there is torrentual downpour, which  
is why I had to send all the soccer kids home. Their parents were  
complaining about their children getting pneumonia or some crap like that.  
The kids wanted to stay. A little rain never hurt anyone, right? I don't  
believe in catching cold from being out in the rain. I don't see how one  
can get ill from the substance that brings all life to earth. Without  
water, there would be no life. No people, no plants, no animals, no  
flowers. Then where would we work? There would be no flowershop. No place  
to oggle you when no one is looking, because Aya and Yoji and yourself are  
all caught up with the customers. it's time I have to myself, because I am  
the least noticed of the three of you in the shop. Aya is the one that  
won't let himself slack off. He's always absorbed in helping the paying  
customers. And Yoji... well, he'd be very noticed if he were to stare at  
one of his fellow team members. All his high school groupies would flock  
over to him, and swoon over the shonen-ai. And you? You're just too  
innocent to be caught staring at anyone's ass, whether it's at work or not.  
  
But I started to talk about rain. And how many people hate it. Do you hate  
the rain? I don't. Rain is a very good thing. And I don't mind being wet,  
because there is no reason not to like it. So you're wet. It's more  
moisture to the body, isn't it?  
But I'm really off topic now. I just wanted to let you know where I was, in  
case you wondered. I'm sitting on the balcony. And it's raining. It's  
raining very hard.  
Sometimes I don't like this life, Omi. I don't appreciate what God has  
given me sometimes. I don't see it as very valuable. I kill people for a  
living. And when I don't do that, I make a bunch of flowers into a pretty  
arrangement. It's hardly something to be thankful for. I sit here, and I  
wish I could control what God gives me. I wish a lot of things. I want to  
trade my life in for something more glamorous. Like yours.  
  
Sometimes  
I wish I was brave  
I wish I was stronger  
I wish I could feel no pain  
I wish I was young  
I wish I was shy  
I wish I was honest  
I wish I was you not I  
  
Omi, you're so wonderful. You have such an admirable life. You're young and  
innocent, and you don't yet know wrong from right. You still will have a  
life after this dark one we nickname "Weiss". You have something to look  
forward to. And you know it, too. When you are hurt on a mission, or when  
something is bothering you emotionally, you never let it show. Because  
you're smart and sensible enough that you know it'll all work out in the  
end for you. I wish I was like that. I wish I couldn't get hurt. I wish I  
could live through.  
  
'Cause  
I feel so mad  
I feel so angry  
I feel so calloused  
So lost, confused again  
I feel so cheap  
So used, unfaithful  
Let's start over  
Let's start over  
  
Do you want to go away with me, Omi? We could leave here and never have to  
face the pains of this place again. I'm very mad at myself for even  
considering doing such a thing. I'm a coward, do you know that? I can't  
just accept what I have as my life and live it up. I always have to escape  
if I don't like it. But that's how I am. And I hate myself for it.  
I get caught up in what I don't have so much that I never have time to  
appreciate what I do have. Like now, for example. I am sitting here on the  
balcony. And it's raining. It's raining very hard. I'm not appreciating the  
rain, which lets me live. More importantly, it lets you live.  
You. That's another thing I am currently not appreciating. Because I should  
be. Through it all, through all my pain, my worries, my bad life, through  
my dark cave, there shines one solitary, ever-burning flame. it's a candle,  
and its scent is called "Omi".  
You keep me going, my little candle.  
But there are times when you're not around. And then, sometimes, I wish you  
were. I wish I could control where you were at all times, and I wish I  
could capture you in my arms forever. And never let you go.  
  
Sometimes  
I wish I was smart  
I wish I made cures for  
how people are  
I wish I had power  
I wish I could lead  
I wish I could change the world  
For you and me  
  
Sometimes I feel very mighty, Omi. I feel like I can control and battle  
whatever the world decides to hurl at me. And when that happens, I know  
I'll be able to win, because God wouldn't let me lose. If I lost, that  
would make you unhappy. And I'd never do that. When you're unhappy, so am  
I. But even when you're happy, sometimes, Omi, I'm not.  
  
'Cause  
I feel so mad  
I feel so angry  
I feel so calloused  
So lost, confused again  
I feel so cheap  
So used, unfaithful  
Let's start over  
Let's start over  
  
Like right now, for instance. You're very happy. You're sitting in the  
living room, sharing a bowl of popcorn with Yoji and Aya, and you're  
watching a movie. I know. You knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to  
join the two of you. And now you're expecting me down any minute. Because  
that's what I told you. But I told you that an hour ago. And then I came up  
here. To watch the rain. To get wet. To try and pry myself out of my  
depressed mood, because they're contagious, and I don't want you catching  
mine.  
I feel like a used paper bag. You know those small brown lunchbags that  
children take to school with them? I feel like I'm one of those, and I've  
been used every day for the same week. But I think I need you now. I'm  
going to go downstairs, after I dry myself off, and pretend I wasn't just  
up here. Sitting on the balcony. In the rain. The very hard rain. I'm going  
to pretend there wasn't a point just a little while ago when I couldn't  
tell the tears from the rain apart on my face. Because I feel better now,  
Omi. And I know that when I see you, and there is a cheerful smile on your  
face, and you welcome me into your warm, open arms, I'll feel so much  
better. You can heal my pain. You can warm me up.  
I think it stopped raining.  
  
~Owari~ 


End file.
